Continuing evolution of Jewish marriage?

On the occasion of the 30^th anniversary of its publication, I am re-reading and studying Eugene Mihaly’s Responsa on Jewish Marriage. To introduce this brief piece, Dr. Mihaly (z”l) states:  “A number of colleagues, prompted by the recently published and widely circulated statement, questions and answers entitled “Reform Rabbis and Mixed Marriage,” addressed a series of questions to me related to Jewish marriage. I shall address myself to four of them…” (p.9).

As the seeming “traditional” stance of the rabbinate had been to deny interfaith officiation, and while instances of intermarriage expanded exponentially especially following 1970, Reform Judaism had taken to wrestling with the matter (note, Mihaly indicates that officiation at interfaith marriages has “agitated” liberal Judaism since at least the Braunschweig conference of 1844). It seemed that the issue pitted the customary ideal of Jewish endogamy (in-marriage) against the vaunted Reform principle of autonomy and choice regarding personal practice, including rabbinical. The “statement” suggests the autonomy of Reform rabbis to determine their stance on officiation, while expressing that “Rabbis who do officiate at mixed marriage ceremonies do so contrary to the clear guidelines of their rabbinic organization.” This is perhaps the greatest dilemma that faced the Reform rabbinate, and community, over the past generation.

In his treatment of the topic, Mihaly examines historical and halakhic resources and standards related to such things as rabbinical authority, the limits of coercive power of denominations/professional organizations over its members, and most especially, traditional technical terms like kiddushin (marriage/sanctification) and kedat moshe v’yisrael (according to the law of Moses and Israel). I recall in seminary more than twenty years ago, when the clear overwhelming majority of American rabbis did not officiate at interfaith ceremonies, including Mihaly’s text was heated, if not controversial. Some (including myself) saw its intent to “force” those who didn’t wish to officiate to do so. As young professionals, our own struggle to decide on this issue was so heated that we generally avoided discussing officiation altogether.

Re-reading this work now is fascinating – as our Jewish world, its demography & sociology, has changed so dramatically (even see Hayim Herring’s current piece on paradigm shift, http://ejewishphilanthropy.com/educating-rabbis-for-jews-without-borders/), as I guess so have I. If Judaism is truly progressive, which I ultimately believe, so too must Jewish marriage continue to evolve. Most powerfully regarding rabbinic officiation, Mihaly writes:

The Jewish validity of marriage is not dependent on what the rabbi does or does not say. What matters is the intent of the bridegroom and bride and what they say to each other. The authors of the Statement themselves clearly affirm, “It is not the Rabbi, according to our Jewish tradition, who marries a couple; the bride and groom marry one another (p. 20).

Don’t get me wrong – serving as the rabbi at weddings has been one of the great joys I've experienced. Thankfully, though perhaps not necessary Jewishly, an officiant is mandated in our society legally. I am not, and would never, advocate for ceremonies without the guidance, presence and involvement of trained and skilled clergy. Rather, I know that in our world, especially in our day, we need to be as inclusive and expansive in how we embrace those who wish to marry. Concluding his essay, Dr. Mihaly writes:

Whatever alternative we as Reform Jews adopt, however, we cannot, we must not and, with the help of a benign Providence, we will not deny the blessings of Judaism to our children. If we are to speak with the young men and women whom we consecrated and confirmed, we must be prepared to say, as our ancestors heard the good Lord Himself say to His beloved people: “Your pain is My pain (‘Immo ‘Anokhi betzarah).” “Your joy is our joy; we are with you in your soul struggle, in your travail – open, accepting, loving, understanding. We face this together” (p.83).

Took me only 20 years to understand the good Dr. had it right all along…